Ами да поспамим малко:р - I'm with Canislav?

[sauron]

Ходещ обаче

[Dzvero]

Когато ви се случи някой ден да си го помислите - АЗ МРАЗЯ РАБОТАТА СИ – задължително специалистите психолози и гастроентеролози препоръчват – ТОВА:
След работа на път за дома – минете през близката аптека и си купете анален термометър – но задължително на фирмата "Johnson and Johnson" – ЗАДЪЛЖИТЕЛНО!!!!!!

След това се приберете у дома си и заключете вратата, дръпнете щорите и заемете поза Лотус – ако не сте йога – айде нема нужда.

Така – вече сте се успокоили и концентрирали – разопаковайте аналното термометърче и го поставете – НЕ в дупенцето си а на нощното шкафче. Сега извадете внимателно указанията за ползване от опаковката и започнете да ги четете внимателно и не пропускайте дори и ред.

Да вече го забелязахте нали – на листчето има малък надпис, който гласи:
"Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested."

Е, сега видяхте ли, че има и по – гадна работа от вашата!!!! А я сега си помислете ако работихте за Johnson and Johnson Company а? Представете си – да стоиш цял ден надупен в някакъв завод и да си тикаш анални термометърчета в дупето – от 08,00 до 17,00 а?

Не това със сигурност не е вашата работа – каквато и да е тя!
Затова затворете очи и мислено повторете 5 пъти – Радвам се че не работя за качествения контрол на Johnson and Johnson Company!!!!! – казах 5 пъти!!!!!!

Публикува се със съдействието на Българската асоциация на психиатрите-терапевти от затвора в Белене!!!!

от ханглийски

[Dzvero]

Въпреки многократните разяснения на производителите за микровълновите печки, опитите на потребителите да варят яйца с помощта на техниката
продължава. Ето какъв архив от обяснения с купувачи е натрупала водеща компания в производството на електронните фурни. От близо година тези
често задавани въпроси задължително придружават упътването за експлоатация на изделието.

ВНИМАНИЕ:
Как да сварим яйце в микровълнова печка?

Въпрос: Колко време трябва да варя яйцето в микровълновата печка?
Отговор: Яйца не се варят в микровълнова печка, защото избухват. Използвайте тенджера и обикновен котлон.
В.: Как да обработя яйцето, за да мога да го сваря в микровълнова печка?
О.: Не съществува начин да се вари яйце в микровълнова печка.
В.: Сварих едно твърдо яйце, после го сложих да се стопли в микровълнова печка. То избуна. Къде съм постъпил неправилно?
О.: Не е трябвало да топлите яйцето в микровълнова печка. Трябваше да го ядете студено или да го стоплите в обикновена тенджера с вряща вода.
В.: Увих яйцето в тиксо, за да не се взривява, но то все пак избухна и изцапа микровълновата печка с жълтък и парчета тиксо.
О.: Изтрийте стените на фурната с влажен парцал. Остатъците от тиксото може да отстраните със сода бикарбонат. Не бива да надрасквате стените
на микровълновата печка с метални предмети.
В.: Налях в стъклена тенджера вода, за да изравня осмотичното налягане, сложих вътре две яйца, похлупих йената с капак срещу евентуален взрив
и я сложих в микровълновата печка. Водата още не беше кипнала, когато яйцата избухнаха и строшиха капака на йената!
О.: Забравили сте да добавите сол във водата. Освен това тенджерата трябва да бъде не стъклена, а метална, а печката - не микровълнова, а
обикновена.
В.: Сварих твърдо три яйца от пъдпъдък, обелих ги, сложих ги в хлебче за хамбургер и го претоплих в микровълнова печка. Яйцата избухнаха и
разкъсаха хлебчето.
О.: Трябвало е да ядете яйцата отделно, без да ги топлите заедно с хлебчето.
В.: Само кокошите ли яйца избухват в микровълнова печка?
О.: Всички яйца избухват в микровълнова печка.
В.: Продупчих яйцето с игла, изпих го и оставих празната черупка да се стопли в микровълновата печка. Тя замириса на изгоряло, а после гръмна.
О.: Трябвало е да запазите празната черупка за някой празник, а не да я топлите в микровълнова печка.
В.: Продупчих яйцето с игла, за да изравня налягането и го оставих да се стопли в микровълнова печка, обаче то избухна.
О.: Измийте стените на микровълновата печка с влажен парцал.
В.: Варих яйце в микровълнова печка 10 секунди и то не избухна. Но не се и свари.
О.: Трябва да използвате микровълнова печка с по-голяма мощност - от 900 вата нагоре или да увеличите времето на приготванe. Тогава яйцето
непременно ще избухне.
В.: Изпържих си яйца на очи и ги стоплих в микровълнова печка и те не избухнаха!
О.: Пържените яйца, за разлика от суровите в черупки, рядко гърмят в микровълнова печка.
В.: Сложих яйце в микровълнова печка, но то не избухна.
О.: Проверете дали вашата микровълнова печка е включена в електрическата мрежа или се обърнете към сервиз.
В.: Следвайки вашата инструкция "Как да сварим яйце в микровълнова печка?" започнах да си варя яйце, но то избухна и ми изцапа цялата фурна!
О.: Трябвало е да четете инструкцията докрай, без да прекъсвате веднага след заглавието.

[JaimeLannister]

Абе това последното май някой вече го беше слагал тука...
Иначе е забавно....

[thunder]

И този някой беше Dragon

но е култово

[The Dragon]

Като стана вапрос за американската простотия в IRC... Ето ви Customer vs Support:

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a
document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24
hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote'click'."

---------------------------------
Customer: "I received the software update you sent,but I am still
getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

---------------------------------
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No..."

---------------------------------
Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support: ?@#$

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"
Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service)
Tech Support: "Well then we can't-"
Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'."
Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now. You need to-"
Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to
try a few times, and it will let me through."
Tech Support: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now because you're
on the phone with me."
Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."

---------------------------------
Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."

---------------------------------
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."

---------------------------------
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"

---------------------------------
Customer: "I have a long distance modem."

---------------------------------
Customer: "I don't have a space bar."

[The Dragon]

На вниманието на общинското бюро по труда Виля Реал, район Реал Виля!
Уважаеми амигоси, във връзка с вашата молба за предоставяне на 100 броя работнициза селското стопанство и строителството, Ви представяме следния списък квалифицирани работници:

1.Симеонес Дос, по нашому Симеон Втори.Той не просто има опит в селското стопанство, а е и най-едрият земевладелец в България.За нула време без да сАди, кОпа и полива,той се сдоби с хиляди декари гори,отгледа грамадни тикви в парламента и дори научи един пъпеш с мустаци да говори вместо него.При Симонес Дос нема договори. Сичко е на вЕра.Работи, когато му дойде времето и гледа положително на кривите стени
2.Бай Митко Цонев-главен мазач, майстор говорител шести левъл.Най добре замазва след премиера.Цар на мистриите и шпаклите.
3.Бай Бойко-арматурист-може да го армаТУРИ на всеки бандит.
4.Ники Василев-заварчик. Не защото прави заварки на закуска разни кифли, а щото като най-малък е назначен за чирак.И ако някой пита-Къде е Ники?отговорът е-"за вар е"
5.Бай Паси-майстор тапетаджия, доказал се с облепването на мукавеното си трабантче.
6.Баш майсторът бай Церо Компенсаторката-строи апартаменти по нова и много оригинална технология-ред компенсаторка,ред хоросан, ред компенсаторка, ред хоросан.А накрая тегли един акт 69 на Царя и 'сичко е окей.
7.Бай Камен, царя на музайките-за нула време мо'е да ливне една мозайка. Гръцка, венецианска,мексиканска,шопска, овчарска мозайка-за него не е никакъв проблем.Надницата му е водка и половина на квадрат.
8.Христина Христова-кранистка.С триста зора вдига пенсиите с по две стинки на месец.
9.Сергей Станишев-плочкаджия-върти все една и съща изтъркана плоча от времето на дедо му.
10.Батето-покривни конструкции-най-добрият в тази област.Покрива 'сичко и сам се покрива.Макар че откакто му падна една английска керемида на главата така се покри че трудно може да го намери човек.
За съжаление, амигоси не можем да ви предоставим общи работници, щото всеки от гореспоменатите особи се прави на началник.

[termit]

Разни картинки из живота на системния администратор

http://www.micran.ru/admin/

[The Dragon]

1. I'm nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I'm
perfect.
2. If I save time, when do I get it back?
3. Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
4. War doesn't determine who's right. War determines
who's Left.
5. Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk.
6. A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station... What more
can I say.
7. If it's true that we are here to help others,
then, what exactly are the
others here for?
8. The Best of Provebs :
Should women have children after 35?
No, 35 children are enough
9. Living on Earth may be expensive ... but it
includes an annual free trip
around the Sun..
10. Your future depends on your dreams So go to sleep
!
11. ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY. So what ? Who's in hurry ?
12. Love is photogenic; it needs darkness to develop
13. A good discussion is like a miniskirt - Short
enough to pertain interest and long enough to cover
the subject
14. Can you do anything that other people can't?

Sure, I can read my handwriting..

[The Dragon]

http://www.angryalien.com/0604/titanicbuns.swf

[The Dragon]

Another man/woman joke
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT???!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
"WHAT??!!!"
I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell.

[The Dragon]

Announcements For English Speaking Tourists
Those are real, believe it or not, announcements for English speaking tourists all around the world....

++++tail Lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest Zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD.

Doctor's Office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLS AND HEATS: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

Dry Cleaner's, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK, TURN it TO THE RIGHT.

In a Nairobi Restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the grounds of a private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

On an Athi River Highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

In a City Restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

One of the Mathare buildings:
MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo Hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE PROHIBITED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

Hotel Notice: Tokyo:
IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE.
IF YOU ARE NOT A PERSON TO DO SUCH A THING, PLEASE NOT TO HAVE NOTICED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL ++++TAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

In a Bangkok Temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Hotel Room Notice: Chaing-Mai, Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.

Hotel Brochure: Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE.
IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

Hotel Lobby, Bucharest:
THIS LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

Hotel Elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

Hotel Yugoslavia:
THE FLATENNING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS,
ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.

Taken from a menu, Poland:
SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER
; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.

Supermarket, Hong Kong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

From a Soviet Weekly:
THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERSAND SCULPTORS.
THESE WHERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.

In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IN RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.

Hotel Vienna:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICKLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE,
MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BED ROOM,
IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVER CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE CREAM.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
Reply With Quote

[The Dragon]

Some more fun stuff
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[The Dragon]

The magician on the cruice ship
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician
allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the
shows every week and began to understand what the magician
did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started
shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was
the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician
found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the
ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They
stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up.
What would you do with the boat ?"

[The Dragon]

http://sven.bild.de/_sub_sven4/download ... pingu.html