Ами да поспамим малко:р - I'm with Canislav?

За коментари и излияния от всякакъв род, число, спрежение и залог

Moderator: Moridin

Locked
User avatar
Kolibri
Sorcerer
Posts: 366
Joined: Sat Dec 20, 2003 6:41 pm
Location: Varna

Ами да поспамим малко:р - I'm with Canislav?

Post by Kolibri » Fri Jan 30, 2004 8:13 pm

ДЕСЕТТЕ ЗАКОНА НА СЕМЕЙНИЯ ЖИВОТ

ПЪРВИ ЗАКОН: Няма мъж, който да може да задоволи всички желания на жена си.
Първо следствие: Всяка омъжена жена е имала по-добър кандидат за съпруг.
Второ следствие: Няма съпруг, който да получава достатъчно голяма заплата.

ВТОРИ ЗАКОН: Няма жена, която да не може да направи нещо по-добре от съпруга си.
Първо следствие: На всяка жена за съпруг се пада най-несръчният мъж.
Второ следствие: Всичко, което успее да постигне един мъж, се дължи на жена му.

ТРЕТИ ЗАКОН: Всяка жена управлява своя мъж.
Първо следствие: Всеки мъж се съгласява с мнението на жена си - това е въпрос само на време.
Второ следствие: Жената винаги има един аргумент в повече.

ЧЕТВЪРТИ ЗАКОН: Жената се подчинява безропотно само на модата.
Първо следствие: Жената никога няма подходяща дреха за някакъв случай.
Второ следствие: Жената винаги има нужда от още една нова дреха.

ПЕТИ ЗАКОН: С годините у жената се променя всичко, но навиците - никога.
Първо следствие: Ако една жена се откаже от кожено палто - това е само временно.
Второ следствие: Ако една жена престане да иска нещо от мъжа си, то значи, че си го е купила сама.

ШЕСТИ ЗАКОН: Неудовлетвореността на една жена е правопропорционална на нейната еманципираност.
Първо следствие: Колкото е по-еманципирана една жена, толкова повече недостатъци има съпругът й.
Второ следствие: Оценката на жената за способностите на мъжа й е непрекъснато намаляваща величина.

СЕДМИ ЗАКОН: Жената постъпва разумно едва тогава, когато всички останали възможности са се изчерпали.
Първо следствие: Всяка жена се сеща за старите си обувки чак когато изпитаа болка, когато обуе новите.
Второ следствие: Една жена може да не купи нещо, което е харесала, само ако в момента няма пари.

ОСМИ ЗАКОН: Това, от което се нуждае една жена, винаги е различно от онова, за което си мисли нейният мъж.
Първо следствие: В живота на жената мъжът е средство за постигане на целта, а не самата цел.
Второ следствие: Ако съпругата се заеме да готви в неделя, това не означава, че съпругът не трябва да заведе семейството на ресторант.

ДЕВЕТИ ЗАКОН: Жената е повече майка, отколкото съпруга.
Първо следствие: Жената се отнася към мъжа си като към дете.
Второ следствие: Колкото по-големи стават децата, толкова повече жената се насочва към възпитанието на мъжа си.

ДЕСЕТИ ЗАКОН: Жената все пак предпочита живота с ужасен мъж, отколкото ужасния живот без мъж.
Ако падна, искам да знам, че съм скочила, а не, че някой ме е бутнал...

turin
Adept
Posts: 241
Joined: Tue Jan 13, 2004 12:23 am
Location: нейде из облаците (купесто-дъждовни)

Post by turin » Fri Jan 30, 2004 11:46 pm

Last edited by turin on Fri Sep 10, 2004 6:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
Kolibri
Sorcerer
Posts: 366
Joined: Sat Dec 20, 2003 6:41 pm
Location: Varna

Post by Kolibri » Sat Jan 31, 2004 5:51 pm

Хм, това вчера ми го даде една колежка, но след два прочита стигнах до извод, че почти всичко е вярно. Това на базата на личен опит:ррр
Ако падна, искам да знам, че съм скочила, а не, че някой ме е бутнал...

User avatar
The Dragon
Elder God
Posts: 9051
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2004 9:03 pm

Post by The Dragon » Thu Feb 26, 2004 2:35 pm

"It was like Ground Hog Day. He popped out of a hole,
and we got four more years of Bush." -Bill Maher, on
Saddam's capture

"Now that George Bush has captured Saddam Hussein,
it raises the question, what's he going to get his dad for
Christmas next year?" -Jay Leno

"President Bush says he doesn't want to use the capture
of Saddam for political gain. He says he wants a very slow,
public trial that would end, oh, about next November."
-Jay Leno

"For the last four days, they've been interrogating
Saddam Hussein. .. He denies knowing Osama bin Laden.
He said 'Oh sure, I'd run into him at industry functions,
but I didn't really know him.'" -David Letterman

"Saddam was found cowering in his little hole in the
ground. Supposedly, his goal was to remain in hiding until
all the shooting stopped. Well, hey, it worked for the
French." -Jay Leno

"Saddam's daughter defended him, saying the U.S. must
have drugged or gassed him. Otherwise, he never would
have surrendered. Let me tell you something, the guy was
living on hot dogs, Spam and Mars bars, and living in a tiny
hole. I think he gassed himself." -Jay Leno

"President Bush said today that when he was told Saddam
Hussein had been captured he was up at Camp David
reading a book. I don't know what's the bigger shock,
capturing Saddam or finding out Bush was reading a
book." -Jay Leno

"When they caught Saddam Hussein, he had more than
$750,000 dollars. When he heard this, President Bush
immediately invited Saddam to a fundraising dinner"
-Conan O'Brien

"According to CNN, before the soldiers pulled him out
of the hole, Saddam yelled 'I'm willing to negotiate.' ....
Hey! I'm no expert on the art of the deal, but when
you're in a hole with 600 soldiers around, what is your
bargaining chip?" -Jay Leno

"They found several pairs of Saddam's boxer shorts in
the hut and, by the way, that is the closest we have
come to finding weapons of mass destruction."
-David Letterman

"I'm watching the clip of Saddam Hussein with the
big beard and the whole thing and this might be a
long shot in terms of theories are concerned - but
is it possible that in the nine months he was on the
run, he was actually studying to become a rabbi?"
-Jon Stewart

"During his interrogation, Hussein was asked about
weapons of mass destruction. He said the U.S.
dreamed them up as a reason to go to war with
us - and Howard Dean said 'Hey, that's my line!'" -Jay Leno

"Yesterday, Democratic candidate Howard Dean
was going to make a major speech on foreign policy
but then Saddam Hussein was captured and he had
to change the speech dramatically at the last second.
The new title - 'Oh, Crap!'" -Conan O'Brien

"Officials say that when they tried to interview
Saddam Hussein he was smug, curt and often sarcastic.
Later, Saddam apologized and said he was just doing
his impression of Donald Rumsfeld." -Conan O'Brien

"One day you're the leader of Iraq, the next day
you're being checked for fleas on FOX News."
-David Letterman

"Saddam Hussein just gave himself up. I mean hell,
Michael Jackson put up more of a fight."
-David Letterman

"You've seen the pictures. (Saddam) had that
long beard. They say he was confused; he was
disoriented. It's the same condition Al Gore was
in before he endorsed Howard Dean."
-David Letterman

"Saddam Hussein has been captured. I'm sure
everyone knows that by now unless you've been
living in a hole, in which case if you were, you're
probably the guy they got." -Jon Stewart

"It's ironic that they found him in a hole since the
term 'A-hole' has been used to describe him so
many times." -Jay Leno

"They took a DNA sample from him - that's gotta
be humiliating. One day your the president of the
entire country, the next your being forced to give
a DNA sample. And Clinton said 'tell me about it!'"
-Jay Leno

"At the time of the capture he had $750,000 in
cash on him. They think he was trying to buy three
gallons of gas from Halliburton ... $750,000 - you
know what that means? He is now eligible for the
Bush tax cut!" -Jay Leno

"Reaction is coming in from all over the world. The
British government is praising the United States,
the Spanish government said it was a great day,
and the French government praised Saddam for
the way he surrendered - 'We couldn't have done
it quicker ourselves!" -Jay Leno

"In footage that's already loosing shock value,
doctors checked Saddam for lice and pronounced
him a member of the Need a Bath party."
-Jon Stewart

"Saddam Hussein got a full medical exam and
treatment. How does it feel knowing the Butcher
of Baghdad got a flu shot before you?"
-Craig Kilborn

Saddam was captured and living in a hole - a six-
by-eight hole for ventilation. Here in New York
City we call that the subway." -David Letterman

"He was dirty, he had not bathed, he had a full
scraggly frightening-looking beard, he had a bag
full of cash, he was carrying a pistol, he had several
un-opened packages of underwear - it's like I
have a twin!" -David Letterman
The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

User avatar
The Dragon
Elder God
Posts: 9051
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2004 9:03 pm

Post by The Dragon » Thu Feb 26, 2004 2:37 pm

a man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his
mouth. a young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, are my testicles black?" embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "i don't know, i'm only here to wash your hands and feet" he struggles again to ask, nurse, are my testicles black ?" finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and say's, " there's nothing wrong with them!" finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, " that was very nice but, are... my...test...results...back"
The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

User avatar
The Dragon
Elder God
Posts: 9051
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2004 9:03 pm

Post by The Dragon » Thu Feb 26, 2004 2:39 pm

+++tail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE
BAR.

At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY
SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER
SERVED HERE.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner,
Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM
AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE
HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE
STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH
VIGOUR.

Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN ++++ TO THE RIGHT

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT
TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS
ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN
HELP.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS
FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Sign in Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL ++++ IN
TUB.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER
DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL ++++TAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF
DRESSED AS A MAN.

Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE
JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE
CHAMBERMAID.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING
SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN
AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE
MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE
AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE
GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL
DIRECTIONS.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE
WELCOME TO IT.
__________________
The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

User avatar
The Dragon
Elder God
Posts: 9051
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2004 9:03 pm

Post by The Dragon » Thu Feb 26, 2004 2:42 pm

*NEWS FLASH*
Alot of people have seen UWP (Unidentified Walking People) also known as IDIOTS.

IDIOT SIGHTING #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" She smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. was crossing with a coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

IDIOT SIGHTING #3:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING #4:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on..

More reports will proberly come soon as the world is full of IDIOTS.
The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

User avatar
The Dragon
Elder God
Posts: 9051
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2004 9:03 pm

Post by The Dragon » Fri Mar 05, 2004 1:36 pm

1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

4. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

5. Have you noticed that now since everyone seems to have a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to do?

6. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.

7. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

8. Have you noticed that a "slight tax increase" costs you two hundred dollars, and a "substantial tax cut" saves you about thirty cents?

9. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

10. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

11. You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally,but they hung around on these expired visas, for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster Video: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you like white on rice! Well, let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration..

12. Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, gravely, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."
The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

User avatar
The Dragon
Elder God
Posts: 9051
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2004 9:03 pm

Post by The Dragon » Wed Mar 17, 2004 12:18 pm

LAWYER: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
LAWYER: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
LAWYER: What happened then?
WITNESS: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
LAWYER: Did he kill you?
LAWYER: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
LAWYER: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
LAWYER: Were you alone or by yourself?
LAWYER: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
WITNESS: It indicates intercourse.
LAWYER: Male sperm?
WITNESS: That is the only kind I know.
LAWYER: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
LAWYER: Was this a male or female?
LAWYER: How long have you been a French Canadian?
LAWYER: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?
LAWYER: Mr. Clark, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
WITNESS: I went to Europe, sir.
LAWYER: And did you take your new wife?
LAWYER: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
LAWYER: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
WITNESS: That's me.
LAWYER: Were you present when that picture was taken?
LAWYER: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
LAWYER: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
LAWYER: And by whose death was it terminated?
LAWYER: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
WITNESS: I'll be three months on November 8.
LAWYER: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: What were you doing at that time?
LAWYER: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
WITNESS: I used to be.
LAWYER: How many times have you committed suicide?
LAWYER: So you were gone until you returned?
LAWYER: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
LAWYER: Were there girls?
LAWYER: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
LAWYER: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: And these stairs, did they go up also?
LAWYER: What device do you have in your laboratory to test alcohol content?
WITNESS: I have a dual column gas chromatograph, Hewlett-Packard 5710A with flame ionization detectors.
JUDGE: Can you get that on mag wheels?
WITNESS: Only on the floor models.
LAWYER: Have you lived in this town all your life?
WITNESS: Not yet.
LAWYER: All you responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
LAWYER: How old are you?
WITNESS: Oral.
LAWYER: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
LAWYER: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


LAWYER: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Brown?
WITNESS: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
LAWYER: And Mr. Brown was dead at the time, is that correct?
WITNESS: No. He was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

LAWYER: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July fifteenth.
LAWYER: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

LAWYER: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

LAWYER: How old is your son-the one living with you.
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
LAWYER: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

LAWYER: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
LAWYER: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

LAWYER: Did you blow your horn or anything?
WITNESS: After the accident?
LAWYER: Before the accident.
WITNESS: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.


LAWYER: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
WITNESS: We both do.
LAWYER: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
LAWYER: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

LAWYER: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
WITNESS: Yes, sir.
LAWYER: What did she say?
WITNESS: What disco am I at?

LAWYER: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

LAWYER: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

LAWYER: You were not shot in the fracas?
WITNESS: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

LAWYER: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
LAWYER: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

LAWYER: And where was the location of the accident?
WITNESS: Approximately milepost 499.
LAWYER: And where is milepost 499?
WITNESS: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

LAWYER: Sir, what is your IQ?
WITNESS: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

LAWYER1: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
LAWYER2: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

LAWYER: What is your brother-in-law's name?
WITNESS: Borofkin.
LAWYER: What's his first name?
WITNESS: I can't remember.
LAWYER: He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
WITNESS: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!

LAWYER: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
WITNESS: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

LAWYER: What is your name?
WITNESS: Ernestine McDowell.
LAWYER: And what is your marital status?
WITNESS: Fair.

LAWYER: Are you married?
WITNESS: No, I'm divorced.
LAWYER: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
WITNESS: A lot of things I didn't know about.

LAWYER: And who is this person you are speaking of?
WITNESS: My ex-widow said it.
LAWYER: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
WITNESS: Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

LAWYER: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
WITNESS: Picking them up in the air.
LAWYER: Where was the dog at this time?
WITNESS: Attached to the ears.

LAWYER:...and what did he do then?
WITNESS: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
LAWYER: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

LAWYER: Could you see him from where you were standing?
WITNESS: I could see his head.
LAWYER: And where was his head?
WITNESS: Just above his shoulders.

LAWYER: So, after the unaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
LAWYER: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth! I
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.
LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cow-shed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George"
The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

User avatar
Ghibli
Elder God
Posts: 5759
Joined: Sat Dec 20, 2003 11:36 am
Location: not really here

Post by Ghibli » Tue Mar 23, 2004 11:32 pm

Каваййй, или едно сладко коте за котколюбците, вижте го просто:

http://home.wanadoo.nl/annekebroenink/maukie2.swf

:)
PICARD: Now, are we progressing, Mister La Forge?
LAFORGE: About like you'd expect, sir.
PICARD: Splendid. Splendid. Carry on.

User avatar
Marfa
Moderator
Posts: 11224
Joined: Sat Dec 20, 2003 10:12 pm
Contact:

Post by Marfa » Wed Mar 24, 2004 10:15 am

Аааааааааааааа:)))))))))) Гиб, мега е:)))) Запазих си го тука, много сладко туй коте:)))))

Мррррррррррррррррррррррррррррр...
This octopus! Let's give him boots, send him to North Korea!

Image<-Подробно описание на нещата, които ми образуват нерви :twisted:
Уук.

User avatar
Havelock Vetinari
Scholar
Posts: 123
Joined: Sat Jan 31, 2004 5:25 pm
Location: София

Post by Havelock Vetinari » Wed Mar 24, 2004 1:50 pm

Image
Image
Image
Image
Image
Image
Not the really high, creative loathsomeness of the great sinners but a sort of mass-produced darkness of the soul...
Танго

User avatar
Roland
Site Admin
Posts: 30165
Joined: Sat Dec 20, 2003 10:36 pm
Location: Chicago, IL
Contact:

Post by Roland » Wed Mar 24, 2004 2:06 pm

Първите две и последното са култови до епичност :))))))))
And you can't dance with a devil on your back...

User avatar
Marfa
Moderator
Posts: 11224
Joined: Sat Dec 20, 2003 10:12 pm
Contact:

Post by Marfa » Wed Mar 24, 2004 2:25 pm

Ааааааа, всичките са яки:) Бабата с Колгейта да не е по-лоша пък:)
This octopus! Let's give him boots, send him to North Korea!

Image<-Подробно описание на нещата, които ми образуват нерви :twisted:
Уук.

User avatar
Roland
Site Admin
Posts: 30165
Joined: Sat Dec 20, 2003 10:36 pm
Location: Chicago, IL
Contact:

Post by Roland » Wed Mar 24, 2004 9:39 pm

http://www.activeboard.com/forum.spark? ... tID=328989

Иди после обяснявай, че мастурбацията е безвредна...
And you can't dance with a devil on your back...

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests